LDS Day 5: The REAL Yankees Curse!

Three games today, three examples why America will grow more bored in the League Championship Series.
Padres: 3 Cardinals: 1 I didn’t catch this one until the 9th inning, and I only watched that because my cable box has a picture-in-picture feature. San Diego got a stay of execution, and the 2006 playoffs might get exciting if they can come back and defeat St. Louis after being down 2 games to 0. But, then again, who gives a **** about the Padres? (Apologies to those living within 50 yards of Petco Park.)

Mets: 9 Dodgers: 5 When the final history is written about the 2006 NLDS and the Mets vs. the Dodgers, the series will not be about New York’s pitching staff stepping up after the loss of Pedro Martinez and Orlando “El Duque” Hernandez. It won’t be about the offense of the “Mighty Mets” or any other clever alliteration. No, it’ll be about the stupidity of Jeff Kent, J.D. Drew, and ESPECIALLY Third Base Coach Rich Donnelly. As those two made the most idiotic baserunning mistake I have ever seen, the Dodgers chances at winning the series were tagged out by Paul LoDuca along with them. It was one of those momentum-shifting moments, and SHOULD go down in history like Donnie Moore’s HR ball to Dave Hendeson in the ’86 ALCS or Bill Buckner’s blunder in the ’86 World Series.

Tigers: 8 Yankees: 3
Say it ain’t so. The ratings for the World Series just took a nose dive, and game 1 isn’t for a few more weeks. The “21st Century Murderer’s Row” all got lethal injections, and A-Rod will return to New York a pariah. Hopefully, he won’t have to be there long. You paying attention, Bill Stoneman?

The Yankees Curse
I don’t need to write anything about the Yankees collapse in this postseason or their all-around impotence to the Detroit Tigers. In the next year, you’ll find thousands of such articles in every news and pseudo-news site online. If you listen to sports talk, you’ll probably grow weary of it by ’07 Spring Training. I’m sure that Brian Cashman and George Steinbrenner are going to shake things up a bit. Torre may not be back, Sheffield didn’t give the Yanks any reason to pick up his option, and the whole team showed why they desperately need good pitching.

Ever since Boston won the World Series in ’04 talk has sprung up of a new curse, this one on the Yankees. It doesn’t have the vintage of “The Curse of the Bambino.” It’s only had a few years to age, rather than 86 years, and nobody can pinpoint the grapes from which it was distilled.
Some say it’s the curse of A-Rod, others point to Jeter being made Captain, others point to the loss of certain players, especially Paul O’Neill. But, ladies and gents, I have the answer right here. I alone hold the key to the new Yankees curse. Oh, how I wish I had more readers to unveil this to. Perhaps one day when hundreds of you log in daily, you’ll find your way back here and see the genius that is Sid. With that, I unveil to you the cause of the newest curse in baseball:

THE RUDY GIULIANI CURSE

(Rudy Giuliani, above, shoots invisible curse lasers at the Yankees with his eyes)

That’s right, folks, you read it here first: Former New York City Mayor is the cause of all the Yankees woes since 2001.

“Say it ain’t so, Sid!” you may say. Or, “Sid, you’re nothing but a spineless liberal ********* who wants the terrorists to win!” Well, please allow me to put down by “Go Terrorists!” sign and the “Bin Laden #1” foam finger and retort. See folks, this has nothing to do with politics. This has to do with happenstance.

I base this claim not on Giuliani himself (though he is completely to blame), but on on network TV. You see, ever since 9/11/01, EVERY ******* GAME at Yankee Stadium in the playoffs you’ve seen Rudy Giuliani in the stands wearing his Yankees cap. Now, maybe he was there every game before that wearing the same stupid hat, or maybe he’s just doing it so people will remember his “heroic deeds” (like sitting through 6 years of Yankees chokes) for the ’08 Presidential election. In this lifetime, that’s not for me to call. But I DO know that, before 9/11, none of the networks gave a **** where Rudy was. After 9/11, his ugly mug filled my TV screen at least 4-5 times at every Yankees playoff home game. In that span? The Yanks are 3-3 in the ALDS (two of those losses courtesy of the Angels, thank you very much). They’re 2-1 in the ALCS, and (gasp) they’re 0-2 in the World Series.

As Mayor of New York City, I’m sure Rudy was at all those playoffs from ’96 to ’00 when the Yanks were unstoppable. But his face (and that damned hat) weren’t on my TV screen. ****, only maybe three or four people west of Manhattan would have known who he was, so it’s much better to show the crazy drunk guy with no shirt. So therefore, it’s not Rudy HIMSELF who’s bad luck. It’s when they show him on TV that the Yankees are doomed.

So Yanks, it doesn’t matter how high your payroll is or how studly your lineup, so long as Fox and ESPN keep showing Rudy in those great seats during the playoffs, you’re gonna lose.

You Mets fans should hope he doesn’t show up at Shea with a Blue and Orange “NY” hat in the next series…


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